Recovery

This week I have been struggling with my body taking so long to get back to normal after this second surgery. I had really bad cramps Sunday so I resigned myself to resting upstairs but Monday the cramps weren't so bad so I tried to get back on track with life and clean the house but that really wiped me out. Tuesday I mostly took it easy. My biggest excursion was a nature walk on the other side of Commerce. We took Jacob along with us. Our usual trail was pretty flooded so we decided to take a left instead and discovered this really pretty trail that passes a little creek of sorts. The kids loved playing by the creek and we found ourselves there everyday for the rest of the week. 

Tuesday:

Tuesday night I had a Young Women's Zoom activity and it went so well, I needed that because I had been feeling so down about my calling. The theme was "What I like about you" and everyone went around complimenting each other. We had a really good turn out and the girl's were giving such genuine and nice compliments that I think everyone left the activity feeling real good about themselves. We had dropped off a treat to everyone before it and a sheet to right down their compliments on and that probably contributed to it going so well. Afterwards my presidency stuck around and we had a good chat, I finally shared my miscarriage with them. Chalsea knew but Jenny B and Ashlee didn't. Honestly, it's nice to just have it out there and I wasn't too awkward about it. The next day I got flowers delivered to my door that were ordered by Jenny B and later in the week Ashlee brought me a treat and a sweet card. I really am grateful for all the support and love I've had in all this. I even got an Amazon package from my friend Rebekka with candy, 2 chick flicks, nail polish and a nice drawing notebook. I feel so loved.

Wednesday morning I went for a run and barely survived it. I was running at a snail pace but I felt like death when I got home. I felt so frustrated with how easily wiped I was. Unfortunately I think I probably shouldn't have gone for a run at all because that afternoon I got crampy again and had some pretty heavy bleeding. Once again just annoyed with my body for it's slow recovery. 

Before the cramps started we went on the walk to our new fav spot.

Wednesday we also had the Mays over in the afternoon. That's when I got crampy and started bleeding heavily so I was glad that they didn't stay too long. I spent the rest of the evening worrying about my body and trying to take it easy.

No running for me Thursday but we did do our nature walk. We decided to make it quite the outing- we brought a wagon with our baseball gear (there's a baseball field near the path), lunches and boots so they could properly play in the creek. The baseball playing was not a hit, I'm no good at making sports fun and I may or may not have accidentally hit Ben with the baseball. But they enjoyed picnicking and playing the creek and climbing trees. 

After dinner Thursday we all went back out to the baseball field so Tyler could properly teach the kids how to play baseball. He worked on having them catch balls and a little on hitting. They got bored with catching pretty quickly and didn't like taking turns when it was time to hit. I don't think baseball is their jam. Jacob keeps inviting himself on any outing we go on so he went too. He also was a complainer. 5 complaining kids was not super fun BUT they did have some good moments. Moments where they caught a ball or hit a ball and were real proud of themselves and those were good moments.

Friday was rainy and uneventful. When the weather cleared in the afternoon we went on our new fav trail but Jacob came too and his feet got wet and he wanted to go back home as soon as we got to the creek. I found that extremely frustrating. It's harder to deal with gripes that are not coming from your own children. Today, Saturday, the kids don't want to go on the trail at all so maybe they had too much of it and it's no longer there favorite trail. Who knows? Anyways, on our walk back from the trail we ran into a neighbor that I never properly met. She wanted the kids to pet her dogs and she was very chatty. Her husband was not. He got bored pretty quickly and left her but she probably could have chatted with me all afternoon. It's clear that so many of us are over this quarantine and ready to socialize and be with people again.

Saturday, today, has been spent grocery shopping and picking up new shoes at Kohl's. Later today I have a graduation car parade for one of my young women- that was a pain to coordinate and I will be so happy when it's done. After that I am having a meet up with a few friends at the library parking lot again. I am looking forward to that and wish it was time for that already! 

And here's a picture of the butterfly necklace that I picked out to remember Isaac with, it's made from seashells. I hadn't loved the one Tyler had gotten me so this is the replacement.

Complications

This week has been swallowed up by health issues. Monday I went in for my ultrasound and found out the mass hadn't shrunk or moved at all. I felt so disheartened because I knew at that moment I couldn't wait this mass out, it wasn't going anywhere, so I was going to have to do something to get it removed. After much debate I begrudgingly decided on doing the in office procedure. It would be quicker and $1800 cheaper and even though he only gave it an 80% chance of working, I figured I would feel guilty if I didn't give it a try. 

On Wednesday I went in to the office to get it removed. The appointment started off with a pregnant nurse taking all my stats. I wish I wasn't that person that miscarries and struggles with seeing pregnant people but I am and that was hard. Then they set me up for the shot to numb my cervix and that is where everything went terribly wrong. The doctor accidentally hit a blood vessel with the numbing shot and immediately I tasted metal, then I started to feel dizzy and heard ringing in my ears and thankfully I was lying down already because my vision blacked out and all my limbs started shaking uncontrollably. It was terrible. I was conscious but barely. The doctor kept asking me questions- Are your ears ringing? Are you still dizzy? Etc. Etc. I'm sure it was to keep me awake but it was so annoying. I remember telling him I could take a really good nap because I could have. But I didn't. The doctor had said he had done a test to make sure he wasn't going to hit a blood vessel and it had come back clear but apparently that test can be wrong sometimes. He said he was not comfortable proceeding and he also felt like it was a bad omen so plans were made for me to get a d and c. 

It took a good hour to recover from the blast of numbing medication in my bloodstream and to be able to drive home. I was wreck. I sobbed in the office when he told me I'd have to do the d and c, I sobbed in the car, I sobbed at home. I just felt so abandoned, like my prayers were bouncing off the walls. I felt betrayed by my body for causing me so many problems, for taking so long to recover. I was a mess. It took a lot of video messages, texts and voice messages with friends who've had miscarriages to pull myself out of my pity party and also to help with my shaken faith. I am still not quite there. I am still working on trusting God again, on trusting that He knows what's best for me. I'll get there.

Friday I had the d and c. That was a whole different experience with COVID in full swing. Tyler wasn't even able to go in to the waiting room- although I'm still not sure that's 100% true because I heard a nurse say to a patient that their son was in the waiting room.... As soon as I walked in they made me put on one of their masks and took my temperature. By the way wearing a mask with glasses is annoying. They kept fogging up. Once I got in the room I got tested for COVID and oh my heavens is that test uncomfortable. My nose was on fire. It was like getting soda up your nose but it doesn't come out for many seconds. The nurse told me that what I had was the less intense version so I guess I was lucky? The test came out negative, I don't have COVID. Then was the loooong waiting time. Hours of waiting and it's hard not to feel abandoned and forgotten. Right before the procedure I got to carry my iv bag and try to keep my gown closed as I took a bathroom break. Lucky for me there were a bunch of burly security guards hanging right outside the bathroom so I had an audience as I walked in. Apparently a person in the bed next to the bathroom was causing problems. 

I will say that my prayers were answered in that I didn't get really anxious until I got put on the OR Table and seconds later I was out so no biggie. Apparently I was sleeping real good so I didn't get a chance to talk to the doctor but he left me a message letting me know that he used ultrasound during the procedure and was able to see that he got the mass out. My cramps were way worse this time upon waking up so the nurse gave me some more drugs in my IV. But then I had to pee and she wouldn't let me get up because of the drugs so she made me use a bed pan. I don't know how anyone can pee laying down. That was unsuccessful. Anyways after I was stable enough to walk and take a decent bathroom break they let me get dressed and go. I was glad to go. It was uncomfortable there and also there was a patient who was in a lot of pain and moaning and groaning. That's rough to listen to.

The Ibuprofen helped but I have been bleeding quite a bit since the procedure. I called the doctor today, Saturday, and was told I should only be worried if I get dizzy or faint. But I was also prescribed some drugs that apparently are going to make the cramping worse but hopefully expel all this blood and shrink down my uterus. Sounds super fun. I am so over all this. 

So I will end this post with some happier things:

#1- On Tuesday we rode our bikes down by the library again and did some more sidewalk chalk art. Got some better pictures this time. 

Jacob, our neighbor, had come with us and helped Penny make a unicorn superhero (pic below).

Side note- Lucy's picture is a big cactus and a little cactus and she wrote "You can believe big and you can believe small"

#2- When Penny kept coming back inside sunburned I told her she needed to wear a hat when she goes outside. She then wore one nonstop for a few days. I think she looks pretty cute in a hat.

#3- I realize I forgot to share about Mother's Day. My mother's day was really nice. I got to sleep in. Tyler made my favorite strawberry crepes. I spent most of the day lazing about in my room reading. And the kids and Tyler even cleaned the house for me. The only hiccup was that I had asked Tyler for a butterfly necklace to help me remember Isaac with (we always say butterflies are Issac saying hello). Tyler got me one but it was just not my style- the butterfly was really big and blingy. I felt so bad telling him I didn't like it because he had really tried. *Sigh*

#4- Lucy made herself a dragon costume- it was perfection

Sidewalk Chalk Art, Nature Walk

This week was just another week in this lovely Coronavirus life. This virtual learning is going a bit better for everyone...except for Steven. Ben hasn't got emotional nearly as much as he did in the beginning. Lucy is doing slightly better at focusing when watching videos of her teacher teaching. And Penny and I have found a better rhythm. My only struggle is Steven. He just can't seem to adjust to having to do school work at home. He gets so cranky at me when I go over what work he has to do. He generally tells me no. Sometimes I think I should just toss in the towel and let him fail 6th grade.

Tuesday I had another obgyn appointment. It was kind of a waste of an appointment. The mass is still there, seems smaller but he's not sure because he doesn't have the fancy ultrasound tech like the specialist does. Still have the same options- 1) Take a risk of infection and wait it out 2) Do a painful in office procedure to get it out 3) Go to the hospital and get a second, expensive, d and c. I am procrastinating a bit longer and going in to the specialist to get an ultrasound next week. I think if the mass has shrunk decently then I will just wait it out. If not, I am not sure what I'll do. The other 2 options are crap.

Tuesday night was another zoom youth activity. We didn't have a great turn out and the girls are still super awkward and not liking to take turns. Left me feeling disheartened. This virtual stuff just can't replace real life. I am feeling burnt out with all of it and super burnt out with reaching out to some young women often but never getting a response. I've been in this calling for about 8 months though so I have a long road ahead and I really need to find a way to deal better with it.

Wednesday the kids and I went on our usual bike ride to the library area. We had a lot of fun with sidewalk chalk but because of the sun and shade it was hard to get good pictures of their art. They made butterfly wings, a crown, chalk outlines of their bodies, crazy characters... We spent a good long while there.

Thursday I took my kids plus the neighbor (Jacob) to Proud Lake for a nature walk. Of course my tummy started bothering me as soon as I got there but somehow I survived until I got home. The boys were playing some strange game as they walked- it involved ghosts and writing weird messages in the dirt- but they still had time to climb trees to. It was a beautiful day and worth suffering through my tummy problems to spend some time in nature. 

On Friday Tyler suddenly decided to move the guinea pigs out of the guest room into the boys room. I hate the new set up in the boy's room aesthetically but it is nice to have a guest room that is free of hay and bedding. Grams will appreciate that immensely.

Around lunchtime Friday I got a frantic text from my friend Caroline's son. Caroline had broken her ankle and her husband was coming but not right away (he's currently serving in the National Guard but locally. It was lucky he was able to come at all.). When I got there I felt so bad for her, she was in so much pain I wanted to make it go away but obviously couldn't. I loaded up her kids and was so worried about leaving her but just as I was about to go, her husband got there to take her to the hospital. In the end they think it's just a severe sprain but it was hard to tell in the x-rays because her foot was so swollen. And in the end for me, I had a bit of a mental breakdown after her husband picked up her kids that evening. Her youngest daughter is just so hard. She gets into everything, doesn't listen, fights with my kids and kicked me and even punched me once. Not okay. And mentally I've just been a bit of a disaster so I really struggled to handle all that crazy. I was also frustrated with Tyler saying he'd watch her but then she would end up outside without his knowledge or in our bathroom or somewhere else she shouldn't be. It was not a great day for me.

Today (Saturday)someone else volunteered to watch her youngest and her oldest kids so I just have the 2 middle kids. Much easier. I am so grateful for that.The weather is cold again so probably no fun outside excursions but at least they have 2 friends over so that will help the day pass.

Breaking Rules

Sunday we gave up on the stay at home order. My friend was not doing good mental health wise so I ended up picking her and her family up and bringing them to our house. The kids were totally stoked to finally have different people in our house. And honestly, I am so glad we did it. She needed it and so did I. We did a little sacrament meeting with her family and Tyler was able to give her a blessing.

Monday brought the same crazy that every Monday seems to bring. Fights, frustrations and tantrums from all. I also had my ultrasound Monday and they determined that I have a golf ball size mass (7cm) of blood and tissue in my cervix. He gave me some pills that were to basically induce labor so that hopefully I could get the mass out but they did very little for me besides give me awful diarrhea and some mild cramps. Some very minuscule clots have been coming out when I go to the bathroom and I am hoping by the time my next appointment comes (Tuesday next week) maybe the mass will be smaller. However, when the Dr called and I told him the pills were ineffective he seemed pretty sure that I will need a second d and c. We'll see. I really, really don't want another.

Tuesday I decided to let the kids ride their bikes on the dirt trail we usually walk across the street. Penny has become such a pro on the two wheeler and they were all desperate to try it. This was a very poor choice. There were some pretty sandy parts of the trail and every single kid biffed it- Penny fell multiple times. There was so much whining and crying from the girls- although they kept declaring they were having fun. At least they all enjoyed hanging in the trees at the end of the trail.

Wednesday and Thursday were rainy days. The kids actually still went out some and played in the rain but I stayed inside. I was feeling really down about the pill not working and things. I always kind of want an answer for why bad things happen and that's my biggest struggle in all this. I keep reading things from general conference articles that basically say that sometimes you have to trust but that's so hard.

Wednesday nights zoom youth activity was awkward. The girls gave room tours and no one was really wanting to take a turn and the girl in charge wasn't good at just telling people to go. Some of the girls really struggled with what to say about their room too. One girl was the opposite and went into every detail of her room. There were some serious awkward moments.

Friday the sun was shining again and it was a beautiful day. I was feeling more positive. We went for a bike ride over by the library and sat over by a nearby pond- Lucy and I read while the rest threw sticks into the water. It's one of those moments that just makes the day better. After that the kids spent a lot of their day jumping on the neighbor's trampoline and playing in his yard. Then that evening we picked up ice cream at Dairy Twist- the drive thru was packed but it was worth it. We took the ice cream home and watched "Homeward Bound." It was a good Friday.

Saturday was another magical weather day. After grocery shopping, I took just Steven on the nature trail across the street. Definitely a better trail with just me and him. Neither of us fell once, ha ha. Then later I took the other 3 on our usual trail by the library. Lucy decided to play photographer...

That afternoon I met my friends Caroline and Chalsea by the library and we all sat 6 feet apart and hung out. It was so nice to chat with my friends in person. It was refreshing.

On a whole other note, I do regret to tell you that Lucy had a mad case of pinworms this week. The worst thing I have ever done in my life is check her bum to confirm the suspicion. Revolting. We all took a lovely dose of Reese's Pinworm Medication (it's over the counter) and then I spent the week washing everyone's bedding daily and vacuuming floors daily. We were even more diligent about showers and hand washing. Lucy says she's cured and no one else seems to have gotten it so fingers crossed we're good.

To end on a better note- Penny had a long period where she wore scrunchies on her ankle. Apparently she was trying to start a new trend but as of recently, has given it up.

Staying Home

It's crazy to think that it's been about 5 weeks since we've been ordered to stay at home to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus. Also crazy that the Governor just extended the stay at home order until May 15th. 3 more weeks of this. While there's some positives- having Tyler home, not having a strict schedule of places to be, more time to get outside when the weather is good, more family time...we are also ready for it to be done. I can tell we are all kind of wearing on one another and we could use the company of friends. I am hoping that this order does not continue to get extended.

Monday was a really rough start to the week. The kids had a hard time getting back into the swing of school and Steven and I had a particularly rough battle. He had a Zoom meeting that he did not want to attend because of screen time. In the end, he lost screen time and it was decided that we had to trash our daily schedule. It just wasn't working to have an hour of screen time in the morning and one in the afternoon  because of all the Zoom meetings. Now we just do both hours in the afternoon after all the school work and Zoom meetings are over. It has definitely helped.

Wednesday I finally decided it was time to take care of myself again and did a work out. Ironically that night our Youth Activity via Zoom was also a work out. I turned off my camera and sat that one out. I am not in the kind of shape yet where I can do 2 workouts a day, ha ha. I am so sore from working out again. I know it's a good thing but oh my achin' back.

Thursday after much procrastination I went for my d and c follow up. There were so many factors keeping me from making this appointment- really awful last memories of being there, all the happy pregnant people that will inevitably be there, and then there was the fact that I knew I wasn't healing correctly and worried I might need a second d and c. Unfortunately my worries were justified. The doctor did a vaginal ultrasound and discovered something in my uterus- either tissue or a fibroid. Also my uterus still seems large. I have to go in for a second ultrasound Monday and if it is tissue, I will likely need a second d and c. 

I melted down when I got home. It feels like salt in the wound. I had prayed so hard that the doctor would do it properly and then when I felt I wasn't healing I prayed to be healed. I feel like I can accept the miscarriage but I am having a hard time accepting this further complications. I want this to be over. And I also don't want the financial burden of another d and c (we're at $2600 for the first and still haven't received the anesthesiologist bill). It's just really awful and this stupid coronavirus makes me just feel so isolated in my pain. 

Friday I was still sad but thankfully it was a warmer day and we could get out and do a bike ride. Getting out helps. Also, we started teaching Penny to ride a 2 wheeler this week and goodness she caught on fast. She is great at balancing and riding and doing well at stopping (and pretty good at catching herself when she falls). She's done some laps around the neighborhood and maybe soon I'll be comfortable enough to let her ride to our spot by the library.

Friday night the boys wanted to do a camp out. Much too cold for me but they were real excited at the prospect. They even set up the tent by themselves. The girls were given permission to join them for part of the night. However, after hot cocoa, and other fun things- the night got dark and they got scared. They all were back in by 10pm.

That night I also had another Zoom chat with friends. My friend Bethany who had moved to Utah arranged and their were about 9 other ladies there. Some who live here and some others who have moved away over the years. I'll be honest it was real boring at first. Everyone went through and updated each other on their lives and I pretty much knew most the updates already. So I busily puzzled. Then my friend Jenny C (we had visited her in VA a couple summers ago) updated that after 2 miscarriages she was pregnant. I hate that despite her hard road I felt envious of her. I also wanted to chat one on one with her because her story sounded so similar. Well with some patience everyone left the chat but her, and 2 other friends so I brought up my recent miscarriage and that like her, I had felt prompted to have this baby. There were so many similarities in our stories- only I am at the beginning and she is at the end so to speak. We had a good conversation and the other 2 ladies talked about some of their struggles and everyone shared good thoughts and advice and I am so glad I stuck in there. I needed that conversation with someone who had been in my situation. 

Saturday I gave up keeping Ben away from his friend Jacob, our neighbor. I allowed him to go on a bike ride with him, then we were all chatting in their yard and before I knew it Jacob's mom was taking all my kids on her golf cart for a ride. So much for social distancing. Honestly though, it was so nice to talk to people in real life and Ben was just so happy to be with his friend again that I just don't feel that bad.

Saturday afternoon we went for a drive to Detroit. No one was that excited about it but I just wanted a family outing and that was as "out" as we could get. We saw some of the statues in Detroit, drove by the tall and historical buildings and ended at the Heidelberg Project which is described as having art in people's front yards but really looks like a lot of yard sale items piled up in various ways and painted on. Still it was enlightening to drive through the neighborhoods of Detroit on our way there and see that crazy variety of houses. It makes me feel blessed for the home I have.