Heat Wave

Sunday was kind of strange day. There had been flooding due to a dam break in Midland (about 1.5 hours away from us) so our church leaders declared Sunday a day of service. That meant that Tyler spent all day Sunday clearing out drywall in flooded houses. It was a hot day so it was hard work and when he learned that the homes he was clearing out were people's vacation homes, it made him a little cranky. But service is service and I am glad he was able to help.

His being gone kind of messed with my Sabbath day feeling. We didn't have much of a spiritual Sunday but we did have family outings so that's good right? We went for a bike ride to our usual spot and Lucy, of course, took pictures. We also encountered a turtle on our way back home from the bike ride. Lucy literally almost ran it's head over with her bike which super terrifying but thankfully the turtle was smart and put it's head in it's shell. I was so nervous we were going to move her bike tire and find a crushed turtle head.

 Can you spot the turtle?

After the bike ride we were all sweaty and the kids were begging to go to the beach so I gave in. Steven brought his guinea pig, Mariah, and played card games with me while the other kids had fun playing in the (still) cold water. A friend of Ben's (from school) was there so he played with him. I felt a bit guilty about breaking the Sabbath but...the kids had a good time.

Monday was Memorial Day. Tyler spent the day working on re-caulking the upstairs shower and discovering that we probably need to remodel the whole bathroom. I spent the day at the beach.  We invited some friends and ended up being there for almost 5 hours! We were all pretty crispy when we came home but it was worth the fun.

Tuesday the kids had school work in the morning but we hit up the beach, yet again, that afternoon with some other friends. My one friend had her 1.5 year old daughter and Penny took her under her wing for a good long while. It was sweet to watch Penny taking good care of her. Also I tried to be better at reapplying sunscreen this time around and Penny decided to take it upon herself to really slather it on- check out her leg below...

Tuesday evening we had our Youth Zoom Activity and it was a total flop. That was hard after coming off such a good one last week. We had hardly anyone there and the young woman who was supposed to lead the activity had her camera off and when the whole thing got sidetracked she did not pop in to get it back on track- despite my hint. Who knows if she was even still there. It left me frustrated with her. I just really don't like Zoom activities and am hoping in a month we can get back to real life ones.

Wednesday the kids wanted to go to the beach once again. Lucy had used her money to buy a doughnut float and she really wanted to try it out. I relented and took them but it was cloudy and windy so the kids didn't last long before they were cold and wanted to come home. 

Tyler has been saving some money and was finally able to buy 2 used kayaks with paddles off someone in our Ward this week. Now we have 3 kayaks so I can take friends kayaking with me. So Wednesday night, I took Stefanie kayaking in my neighborhood lake. It was a beautiful day to kayak, perfect weather. At one point I started feeling overexerted (still not quite recovered from the d and c) so we spent a lot of the time after that just letting our kayaks drift with the current- although our kayaks kept trying to drift closer to houses which is awkward when people are in their yard. We talked a lot about my miscarriage and Stefanie brother's wife that had just miscarried twin boys at 20 weeks. Goodness life is hard. We also talked about her trying to start up her own graphic design business (since she recently got laid off)and the things she wants to do with her house. She is a good friend  and I just feel eternally grateful that I moved next door to her 6 years ago.

Thursday evening the girl's got their pictures taken in a field of flowers. There is a man in our Ward who does photography on the side and he called asking if we would like to get some free pictures of the girls in a field of flowers he had found. He is very expensive and doesn't sell the digital files, only the prints, so we've never used him. He also has a full time job and takes pictures for High School on the side so he's super busy. But he has been known to randomly call people in the ward to take pictures of their kids and this week we were the lucky winners of his randomness. The girls were goofs and not very good at posing. Lucy also kept pushing Penny down in the flowers and grass and saying she was pushing her into lava. But despite their goofiness or maybe because of it, the pictures turned out phenomenal. These are some of my favorites and somehow I am supposed to pick out just 3 favorites for him to print. 

Friday it rained on and off during the day and the kids decided to spend most of the day fighting, whining and being little stinkers. At the end of the day we had a Zoom lesson from the Sister missionaries in which Ben pushed Lucy and her head bumped into Steven's. That was fun. We did learn a cool trick up praying and tying knots in jump ropes though, ha ha. After the lesson we had another thrilling car parade to go on. This one was arranged by one of my young women for another young woman's birthday. I was impressed with my young woman for putting it together but I find these parades a little awkward. You roll by and shout "happy birthday" and then it's over. Yay. It's much better when it's a surprise birthday parade for your own kid, ha ha.

Recovery

This week I have been struggling with my body taking so long to get back to normal after this second surgery. I had really bad cramps Sunday so I resigned myself to resting upstairs but Monday the cramps weren't so bad so I tried to get back on track with life and clean the house but that really wiped me out. Tuesday I mostly took it easy. My biggest excursion was a nature walk on the other side of Commerce. We took Jacob along with us. Our usual trail was pretty flooded so we decided to take a left instead and discovered this really pretty trail that passes a little creek of sorts. The kids loved playing by the creek and we found ourselves there everyday for the rest of the week. 

Tuesday:

Tuesday night I had a Young Women's Zoom activity and it went so well, I needed that because I had been feeling so down about my calling. The theme was "What I like about you" and everyone went around complimenting each other. We had a really good turn out and the girl's were giving such genuine and nice compliments that I think everyone left the activity feeling real good about themselves. We had dropped off a treat to everyone before it and a sheet to right down their compliments on and that probably contributed to it going so well. Afterwards my presidency stuck around and we had a good chat, I finally shared my miscarriage with them. Chalsea knew but Jenny B and Ashlee didn't. Honestly, it's nice to just have it out there and I wasn't too awkward about it. The next day I got flowers delivered to my door that were ordered by Jenny B and later in the week Ashlee brought me a treat and a sweet card. I really am grateful for all the support and love I've had in all this. I even got an Amazon package from my friend Rebekka with candy, 2 chick flicks, nail polish and a nice drawing notebook. I feel so loved.

Wednesday morning I went for a run and barely survived it. I was running at a snail pace but I felt like death when I got home. I felt so frustrated with how easily wiped I was. Unfortunately I think I probably shouldn't have gone for a run at all because that afternoon I got crampy again and had some pretty heavy bleeding. Once again just annoyed with my body for it's slow recovery. 

Before the cramps started we went on the walk to our new fav spot.

Wednesday we also had the Mays over in the afternoon. That's when I got crampy and started bleeding heavily so I was glad that they didn't stay too long. I spent the rest of the evening worrying about my body and trying to take it easy.

No running for me Thursday but we did do our nature walk. We decided to make it quite the outing- we brought a wagon with our baseball gear (there's a baseball field near the path), lunches and boots so they could properly play in the creek. The baseball playing was not a hit, I'm no good at making sports fun and I may or may not have accidentally hit Ben with the baseball. But they enjoyed picnicking and playing the creek and climbing trees. 

After dinner Thursday we all went back out to the baseball field so Tyler could properly teach the kids how to play baseball. He worked on having them catch balls and a little on hitting. They got bored with catching pretty quickly and didn't like taking turns when it was time to hit. I don't think baseball is their jam. Jacob keeps inviting himself on any outing we go on so he went too. He also was a complainer. 5 complaining kids was not super fun BUT they did have some good moments. Moments where they caught a ball or hit a ball and were real proud of themselves and those were good moments.

Friday was rainy and uneventful. When the weather cleared in the afternoon we went on our new fav trail but Jacob came too and his feet got wet and he wanted to go back home as soon as we got to the creek. I found that extremely frustrating. It's harder to deal with gripes that are not coming from your own children. Today, Saturday, the kids don't want to go on the trail at all so maybe they had too much of it and it's no longer there favorite trail. Who knows? Anyways, on our walk back from the trail we ran into a neighbor that I never properly met. She wanted the kids to pet her dogs and she was very chatty. Her husband was not. He got bored pretty quickly and left her but she probably could have chatted with me all afternoon. It's clear that so many of us are over this quarantine and ready to socialize and be with people again.

Saturday, today, has been spent grocery shopping and picking up new shoes at Kohl's. Later today I have a graduation car parade for one of my young women- that was a pain to coordinate and I will be so happy when it's done. After that I am having a meet up with a few friends at the library parking lot again. I am looking forward to that and wish it was time for that already! 

And here's a picture of the butterfly necklace that I picked out to remember Isaac with, it's made from seashells. I hadn't loved the one Tyler had gotten me so this is the replacement.

Complications

This week has been swallowed up by health issues. Monday I went in for my ultrasound and found out the mass hadn't shrunk or moved at all. I felt so disheartened because I knew at that moment I couldn't wait this mass out, it wasn't going anywhere, so I was going to have to do something to get it removed. After much debate I begrudgingly decided on doing the in office procedure. It would be quicker and $1800 cheaper and even though he only gave it an 80% chance of working, I figured I would feel guilty if I didn't give it a try. 

On Wednesday I went in to the office to get it removed. The appointment started off with a pregnant nurse taking all my stats. I wish I wasn't that person that miscarries and struggles with seeing pregnant people but I am and that was hard. Then they set me up for the shot to numb my cervix and that is where everything went terribly wrong. The doctor accidentally hit a blood vessel with the numbing shot and immediately I tasted metal, then I started to feel dizzy and heard ringing in my ears and thankfully I was lying down already because my vision blacked out and all my limbs started shaking uncontrollably. It was terrible. I was conscious but barely. The doctor kept asking me questions- Are your ears ringing? Are you still dizzy? Etc. Etc. I'm sure it was to keep me awake but it was so annoying. I remember telling him I could take a really good nap because I could have. But I didn't. The doctor had said he had done a test to make sure he wasn't going to hit a blood vessel and it had come back clear but apparently that test can be wrong sometimes. He said he was not comfortable proceeding and he also felt like it was a bad omen so plans were made for me to get a d and c. 

It took a good hour to recover from the blast of numbing medication in my bloodstream and to be able to drive home. I was wreck. I sobbed in the office when he told me I'd have to do the d and c, I sobbed in the car, I sobbed at home. I just felt so abandoned, like my prayers were bouncing off the walls. I felt betrayed by my body for causing me so many problems, for taking so long to recover. I was a mess. It took a lot of video messages, texts and voice messages with friends who've had miscarriages to pull myself out of my pity party and also to help with my shaken faith. I am still not quite there. I am still working on trusting God again, on trusting that He knows what's best for me. I'll get there.

Friday I had the d and c. That was a whole different experience with COVID in full swing. Tyler wasn't even able to go in to the waiting room- although I'm still not sure that's 100% true because I heard a nurse say to a patient that their son was in the waiting room.... As soon as I walked in they made me put on one of their masks and took my temperature. By the way wearing a mask with glasses is annoying. They kept fogging up. Once I got in the room I got tested for COVID and oh my heavens is that test uncomfortable. My nose was on fire. It was like getting soda up your nose but it doesn't come out for many seconds. The nurse told me that what I had was the less intense version so I guess I was lucky? The test came out negative, I don't have COVID. Then was the loooong waiting time. Hours of waiting and it's hard not to feel abandoned and forgotten. Right before the procedure I got to carry my iv bag and try to keep my gown closed as I took a bathroom break. Lucky for me there were a bunch of burly security guards hanging right outside the bathroom so I had an audience as I walked in. Apparently a person in the bed next to the bathroom was causing problems. 

I will say that my prayers were answered in that I didn't get really anxious until I got put on the OR Table and seconds later I was out so no biggie. Apparently I was sleeping real good so I didn't get a chance to talk to the doctor but he left me a message letting me know that he used ultrasound during the procedure and was able to see that he got the mass out. My cramps were way worse this time upon waking up so the nurse gave me some more drugs in my IV. But then I had to pee and she wouldn't let me get up because of the drugs so she made me use a bed pan. I don't know how anyone can pee laying down. That was unsuccessful. Anyways after I was stable enough to walk and take a decent bathroom break they let me get dressed and go. I was glad to go. It was uncomfortable there and also there was a patient who was in a lot of pain and moaning and groaning. That's rough to listen to.

The Ibuprofen helped but I have been bleeding quite a bit since the procedure. I called the doctor today, Saturday, and was told I should only be worried if I get dizzy or faint. But I was also prescribed some drugs that apparently are going to make the cramping worse but hopefully expel all this blood and shrink down my uterus. Sounds super fun. I am so over all this. 

So I will end this post with some happier things:

#1- On Tuesday we rode our bikes down by the library again and did some more sidewalk chalk art. Got some better pictures this time. 

Jacob, our neighbor, had come with us and helped Penny make a unicorn superhero (pic below).

Side note- Lucy's picture is a big cactus and a little cactus and she wrote "You can believe big and you can believe small"

#2- When Penny kept coming back inside sunburned I told her she needed to wear a hat when she goes outside. She then wore one nonstop for a few days. I think she looks pretty cute in a hat.

#3- I realize I forgot to share about Mother's Day. My mother's day was really nice. I got to sleep in. Tyler made my favorite strawberry crepes. I spent most of the day lazing about in my room reading. And the kids and Tyler even cleaned the house for me. The only hiccup was that I had asked Tyler for a butterfly necklace to help me remember Isaac with (we always say butterflies are Issac saying hello). Tyler got me one but it was just not my style- the butterfly was really big and blingy. I felt so bad telling him I didn't like it because he had really tried. *Sigh*

#4- Lucy made herself a dragon costume- it was perfection

Sidewalk Chalk Art, Nature Walk

This week was just another week in this lovely Coronavirus life. This virtual learning is going a bit better for everyone...except for Steven. Ben hasn't got emotional nearly as much as he did in the beginning. Lucy is doing slightly better at focusing when watching videos of her teacher teaching. And Penny and I have found a better rhythm. My only struggle is Steven. He just can't seem to adjust to having to do school work at home. He gets so cranky at me when I go over what work he has to do. He generally tells me no. Sometimes I think I should just toss in the towel and let him fail 6th grade.

Tuesday I had another obgyn appointment. It was kind of a waste of an appointment. The mass is still there, seems smaller but he's not sure because he doesn't have the fancy ultrasound tech like the specialist does. Still have the same options- 1) Take a risk of infection and wait it out 2) Do a painful in office procedure to get it out 3) Go to the hospital and get a second, expensive, d and c. I am procrastinating a bit longer and going in to the specialist to get an ultrasound next week. I think if the mass has shrunk decently then I will just wait it out. If not, I am not sure what I'll do. The other 2 options are crap.

Tuesday night was another zoom youth activity. We didn't have a great turn out and the girls are still super awkward and not liking to take turns. Left me feeling disheartened. This virtual stuff just can't replace real life. I am feeling burnt out with all of it and super burnt out with reaching out to some young women often but never getting a response. I've been in this calling for about 8 months though so I have a long road ahead and I really need to find a way to deal better with it.

Wednesday the kids and I went on our usual bike ride to the library area. We had a lot of fun with sidewalk chalk but because of the sun and shade it was hard to get good pictures of their art. They made butterfly wings, a crown, chalk outlines of their bodies, crazy characters... We spent a good long while there.

Thursday I took my kids plus the neighbor (Jacob) to Proud Lake for a nature walk. Of course my tummy started bothering me as soon as I got there but somehow I survived until I got home. The boys were playing some strange game as they walked- it involved ghosts and writing weird messages in the dirt- but they still had time to climb trees to. It was a beautiful day and worth suffering through my tummy problems to spend some time in nature. 

On Friday Tyler suddenly decided to move the guinea pigs out of the guest room into the boys room. I hate the new set up in the boy's room aesthetically but it is nice to have a guest room that is free of hay and bedding. Grams will appreciate that immensely.

Around lunchtime Friday I got a frantic text from my friend Caroline's son. Caroline had broken her ankle and her husband was coming but not right away (he's currently serving in the National Guard but locally. It was lucky he was able to come at all.). When I got there I felt so bad for her, she was in so much pain I wanted to make it go away but obviously couldn't. I loaded up her kids and was so worried about leaving her but just as I was about to go, her husband got there to take her to the hospital. In the end they think it's just a severe sprain but it was hard to tell in the x-rays because her foot was so swollen. And in the end for me, I had a bit of a mental breakdown after her husband picked up her kids that evening. Her youngest daughter is just so hard. She gets into everything, doesn't listen, fights with my kids and kicked me and even punched me once. Not okay. And mentally I've just been a bit of a disaster so I really struggled to handle all that crazy. I was also frustrated with Tyler saying he'd watch her but then she would end up outside without his knowledge or in our bathroom or somewhere else she shouldn't be. It was not a great day for me.

Today (Saturday)someone else volunteered to watch her youngest and her oldest kids so I just have the 2 middle kids. Much easier. I am so grateful for that.The weather is cold again so probably no fun outside excursions but at least they have 2 friends over so that will help the day pass.