Frustrations

Last Saturday I had the joy of going with Steven to his friend Adam's house. The mom had invited me to stay while the boys hung out and with no valid reason not to, I did. That was a long afternoon of listening. The mom is a talker and it was real hard to contribute anything to the conversation. The dad did come out at one point and he was actually a better listener but alas, he went back inside. I am still not a fan of that friend, the boys were supposed to ride bikes but ended up huddling together outside and playing on a tablet and when the mom asked the boy to put the tablet away, he kept refusing. It was a bit aggravating, especially since I hauled Steven's bike there.

That evening we had a pit fire courtesy of Ben- he only needed a little help from Tyler with the prep and starting it. I think next time, he might be able to do it on his own. I always like our s'more family time. And this time Penny's teacher Mrs. Richter got to join us- the paper version of her that is.

Sunday we had the Mays over again. I like our little church services with them. Too bad they are headed to Utah for a long while. That evening I had a class presidency meeting and it was an absolute disaster. The older girls were adamant that we should have zero activities in the summer, but the younger girls felt differently. And then their was grief over who would lead the 2 activities that we did plan. I ended up lecturing everyone and ticking off the older girls. So much frustration and drama. Left me feeling like a failure as a leader. 

Monday I recorded Ben giving his wax museum speech- he was the pirate, Blackbeard. We did at the beach for authenticity. I think he did well. I also think he is lucky that he just had to record it and didn't actually have to give it in front of the whole class. The coconut in the picture below was his "button." In the video he would be frozen and then Penny pushed the button and he spoke. In a couple videos the coconut got bumped and started rolling towards the water, those made for good outtakes.

We also did a nature walk with "Mrs.Richter" on Monday. Gosh Michigan is just so pretty in the summer.

Tuesday we met some friends at the beach day and it was just what I needed. I got to vent about my frustrations with my calling, they got to vent about their frustrations. I love my people. That evening I had our youth activity via Zoom and I was feeling like I really didn't want to go because of everything but I went. It ended up being really fun for the few that attended. Everyone shared baby pictures and told a childhood story. I shared how I used to eat books and some of the girls declared that I was a book worm. It was what I needed after feeling disgruntled with my calling.

Wednesday was not a great day. I had my ultrasound and it was discovered that I still have a mass in my uterus. It shrunk slightly, it was 7.5cm and now it's 5.5cm but it's still hanging out. I was beyond frustrated with this news but honestly, not super surprised. Intuition told me it was going to be bad news. I am still confused at how he could have missed a huge chunk of this mass. I am meeting with another doctor from the practice this coming week to discuss things and get some questions answered because I felt like the doctor I have been working with is not really answering my questions. I'll make final decisions after discussing things with this other doctor but right now the plan with the doctor who has been working with me is to do another ultrasound in 2 weeks to verify that the blood clot is still there and then go have a THIRD d and c. This time though, they will light up my uterus and use a tool that will insert liquid into the blood clot so it will break apart and come out easier. 

I know this may sound weird but even though I have trust issues with this doctor, I don't necessarily blame him. I feel like there's a reason that this mass keeps getting missed. I don't know why exactly and I am not really at peace with it but hopefully I will get there.

Because I didn't want to mope again, I distracted myself from all my feelings by throwing myself into painting the living room. Started Wednesday night, literally that quickly, and finished today (Saturday). No more warm yellow room- it is now a blueish gray. I was just trying to get gray but I don't hate the blueish tint. It is still loads better than the previous color. I really do hate painting but it was a good distraction and it is so rewarding. I am still in process of getting everything back in it's place in the living room so no pictures yet.

Wednesday night I had a meeting with Bishop to talk about my awful class presidency meeting. I was worried it wasn't going to go well but it actually did. He wants to rework the older girl's presidency and I think that's a great idea. Once it's reorganized he'd like to meet with both class presidencies to discuss bringing the spirit back- also a great idea. He also suggested I take a sabbatical because of my lovely health issues- I am tempted by the offer. I am worried my emotions are affecting the way I handle my girls. 

Friday afternoon I did another beach day with friends, seriously therapeutic. And today, Saturday, the parks are finally open again and even better, a new playground by us (Scarlet's playground) was open so me and the girls rode our bikes there and had some fun.

Saturday evening Steven babysat while Tyler and I picked up some Jimmy John's, ate it in the car and did a little nature walk over at Proud Lake. It was a much needed date. Unfortunately, at the end of our date, a YW's mom called and expressed her concerns about us having activities again- we're doing them outside, and we usually only have 10 girls so it's following state guidelines- but she is freaked out. She was disgusted at how people aren't practicing safe social distancing and it was hard not to say, well neither am I. Anyways this lengthy conversation really made a sabbatical sound more appealing. We shall see what I decide.