Wednesday I went to the Penner home. I went to visit my young woman about her calling as class president but I had the added bonus of visiting with her mom too. It was a good morning. She had some great ideas on how to better fellowship some of the girls and her mom actually had some good input about some things as well. After the visit I was going to pick up my groceries but they ended up being an hour late. The coronavirus has caused such craziness at stores this week and I am just grateful that eventually my groceries were ready and they still had almost everything.
Wednesday night we had a youth activity about temple marriage. The girls got hangers that are for their future temple dresses, then they wrote down qualities they'd like for their future husbands to have, next us leaders showed them our temple wedding pics and lastly we ended with some fun- making toilet paper wedding dresses. With the coronavirus starting here in the US there have been some Toilet Paper shortages (apparently everyone thinks that having 500 rolls of toilet paper is super important if we're quarantined???) so I'm sure people think we're super wasteful but everyone just brought a roll to donate and ended up being super fun.
Thursday morning I went to the grocery store to get a few things for dinner with the missionaries that night and oh my goodness, it was crazy. It was way busier than usual and everyone had their carts piled with things- mostly toilet paper and water bottles. I kind of regret not picking up a few canned goods or things while I was there because by the time Tyler went Friday night to fill up our 5GL water bottle, things were cleared out. This Coronavirus has really put everyone in a panic. Everything kind of changed Thursday as it was reported there were cases in Michigan. Church services are now cancelled indefinitely and that night they cancelled school for the kids. Penny's cancellation started Friday and will last until April 13th. The rest start Monday and will be closed until April 6th. This is a first in my life. I think caution is good but oh how it is putting a wrench in my life.
Despite all the crazy going down we still had the missionaries over for dinner that night. They were only supposed to stay until 6 but despite my best efforts they seemed in no rush to leave. It was 6:30 before I finally got them out the door. I had my YW's presidency coming over at 7:30 and I wanted to be able to clean up and have somewhat of a break. I guess our home is just so hard to leave.
It was nice to have what might be my last in person meeting with my YW's presidency for awhile that night. We discussed a lot of things that probably won't be happening with church services and activities being cancelled but it's still nice to feel ready for when church does start back up.
Friday the 13th was not a good day in my life. It started out super cheery with Penny home and the rest at school and I was really excited because *surprise* I had my first pregnancy appt. I dropped Penny off with a friend and headed to the appt. I was 9 weeks along and was really looking forward to some confirmation that everything was good with the pregnancy. And once I got that confirmation I was really looking forward to being able to tell everyone, including the kids. Unfortunately, I did not get confirmation. They did an internal ultrasound and my sac, though measuring 9 weeks big, was empty. In the end all the dr could find was a dot that looked like blood. No fetal pole. Nothing encouraging. The technical term is a blighted ovum.
I tried to stay calm and did so until she started listing my 3 options 1) D & C 2) Take a pill 3) wait for it to pass. I lost it and was sobbing in front of the dr. I just wanted to go home and cry alone but I wasn't done. They wanted to schedule an external ultrasound to confirm, then they took blood samples to confirm low HCG levels (the lady used the wrong vial and ended up poking me 3 times) and then they had to give me an RH shot because of my A- blood. It took everything not to sob as I walked out the door and to the elevator and when I pressed the button it opened to a whole group of people who had accidentally pressed the wrong floor. By the time it came back there were more people and it was a struggle to remain in control. I lost it in the car and basically spent the rest of the day in my room. Tyler came home and laid with me for awhile. I was grateful to my friend for watching Penny for the rest of the afternoon so I could just be alone.
The kids came home and Tyler told them the news. They don't quite get it. Penny came in and asked me why my nose was so red. Steven started getting on me that he wants to do a sleepover and can't I text Evan's mom. I had to explain that I don't know when I am going in to get the baby out yet and so I am not making those kinds of plans. Kids are hard to deal with when you're sad.
Right now I feel betrayed by my body. I still feel tired and hungry and sick and I've gained 6 pounds and yet there's no baby in there. I feel confused and frustrated with God's plan for me. I thought I was supposed to have fifth, I had been trying for a year to get pregnant and for weeks I thought I was but the baby passed long ago. I'm not sure I can do it all again.
Next week is going to be tough, especially going through losing this baby with all the kids home. Thankfully I have a few good friends that know and have offered help. I know I'll get through this, just wish I didn't have to. Thoughts and prayers are really what I need. And time. Just more time to deal with all these hard feelings.
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