I ended up drinking a water bottle and a half in the car on the way over because a full bladder is supposed to help the ultrasound- but obviously that does nothing good for me. I have never had to pee so bad and been so uncomfortable, the whole ultrasound physically hurt and I thought I was going to pee myself. In a way this was a blessing because it distracted some from the fact that no heartbeat was being found and I couldn't see any clear implications of a baby. At the end the ultrasound tech basically just said "no new news" and told us to go meet with the dr. I was angry, I was upset. I am not proud of how rude I was to her. Thankfully Tyler was there and was kinder.
We didn't have to wait too long to hear the awful news from the doctor. The ultrasound tech had found a baby, the baby was 7 weeks and 4 days, with no heartbeat and a calcified yolk sac which indicated it had stopped growing (I was currently 10 weeks). Maybe it's silly but I wish that the tech had taken a pic so I could just have something to remember my baby by. It was hard to hear this but I did better with Tyler there this time. I was also grateful in the sense that there was a baby, it had existed. When she couldn't find the fetal pole I had felt betrayed by my body. Why had I felt so pregnant if the baby hadn't lasted long past conception? At least now I knew I had had 7 weeks with my little one.
We were presented with the choice of waiting for a natural miscarriage or going to the hospital to do a d and c. The baby had already been holding on for 3 weeks and I wasn't sure I could handle just waiting, and then the emotional stress of seeing it come, watching the loss. I was also worried because I had 2 friends who had naturally miscarried but had complications and ended up at the hospital. With the coronavirus going on, I did not want to end up at the ER. So I ended up scheduling a d and c. It's going to cost us as much as having a baby in the hospital would have but I think emotionally it was the better choice. I think I made the better choice for me.
Wednesday night I got a Priesthood blessing from Brother Boomfield and Tyler. Good words about my Savior's love for me and how our Heavenly Father knows the pain of losing a child. That night as I was still struggling emotionally with the reality of the next day, I was reading some general conference talks and I had the impression come to me that we were always meant to have an angel baby. But I felt strongly that it coming now showed God's love for me because it came at a time when literally I am surrounded by friends who have all had miscarriages and have been super understanding and supportive. It also came when I have 4 other children to comfort me. It hurts that I don't get to raise this baby. All the plans and dreams I had for it are lost but I'm trying to have an eternal perspective and that helps.
I know it's silly but that night I prayed to know if the baby was a boy or girl because I wasn't sure if they'd be able to find out. That night I dreamed the dr told me it was going to be a girl. In the dream we decided to name her Joy because she would've brought us joy on Earth but she'll bring us joy in heaven. This dream is slightly ironic (if that's the right word) because I had read at 7 weeks the baby was the size of a blueberry and had been telling the kids that we should name this baby Blue, inwardly I named it this because it was making me so blue. Gratefully they took samples at the d and c and will be able to tell us the gender of the baby within a couple weeks. I don't know yet if my dream was accurate and it is a girl but I do think my Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something about my attitude.
Thursday, March 19th we went to the hospital for the d and c. My good friend Melissa took our kids for the day (despite social distancing, bless her). It was a different experience with the coronavirus- they screen you before letting you in and only allow one visitor. When we got up to the surgery floor they made Tyler stay in the waiting room while they took me back. I began to panic, I did not want to do this alone. The nurses were super unfriendly as they prepped me and I was really struggling to keep it together. Thankfully they eventually let Tyler back and that helped immensely- especially since it was a 2 hour wait. In the wait I got to overhear all sorts of nurse drama and the panic as the nurses found out a patient from earlier that week possibly had the coronavirus. Their panic made me nervous, plus I was fasting, plus I was already nervous about the procedure and I ended up feeling super nauseous as the time approached. I really felt like throwing up.
Thankfully the surgery nurses were so much friendlier and they drugged me appropriately to help with the nausea. I remember being wheeled back and them stretching out my arms which made me sad because it made me think of my c sections and then I was out. When I woke up it was all over. My baby was gone.
The rest of the day I spent in bed. Caroline had made us dinner and Corinne made my fav pie. I mostly just has mild cramping until that night when the cramps were super severe and accompanied with super fun diarrhea. I thought I was going to pass out and had chills afterwards but that was the worst of it. Since then just the mild cramps and way less painful loose bowels.
My emotions are still a rollercoaster. I have points where I'm fine and points where it hits. With the kids all home 24/7 because of the coronavirus quarantine, I find myself giving into my emotions the most when I'm alone in the shower. Through it all though, I'm extremely grateful for all the support I've received. A doll and nice note from my parents in the mail; bread, pie and kind card from Corinne; banana bread, puzzle and kind card from Chalsea; dinner and taking my kids on a hike from Caroline; a hug and watching my kids from Melissa; so so many thoughtful and kind texts. Even in this awful trial, I feel my Savior's love for me through so many and I know we'll get through. I also know that this baby will forever be ours and I can't wait to learn its gender and give my baby a proper name 💛
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