Distractions and Ben's Birthday

This week I have been physically better but emotionally up and down. I was really hormonal at the beginning of the week- quick to anger, frustration, melt downs- but the hormones have righted themselves. I still get sad but I at least feel more in control of my emotions and that's nice. To distract from the sad I got the silly idea to pretend it was Christmas time. Then somehow along the way we decided it wasn't Christmas but Chungus Day (Chungus is basically a very fat Bugs Bunny invented by the internet). We decided Chungus was the Easter Bunny's less loved brother that always felt overshadowed by the Bunny. For our Chungus Day we made salt dough ornaments and hung them on a mini Christmas Tree. Ben even dressed up as a Chungus- I'm not sure what the blue scarf on his face was about.

In addition to making ornaments we watched Christmas movies, drank hot cocoa, and made and decorated sugar cookies. I know we are weird but the kids had fun and it was a good distraction. The only embarrassing thing was when Lucy was in a Zoom meeting with her first grade class and I hear her telling them "We made ornaments and cookies and then big Chungus brought each of us a gift." Our connection was bad so I'm hoping no one heard the Chungus part- otherwise they might think we're crazy (which we are).

Friday the 27th was decided to be Chungus Day and Chungus left them a garbage bag with a gift for each kid- books for the oldest 3 and pattern blocks for the youngest. The kids want to make this a Hatch family tradition- we shall see, ha ha.

Another distraction of the week was hiking. We had some good weather days so we crossed the street and went for a little nature walk. We didn't encounter a single person so we had no problem social distancing. And since the last time we hiked there we had gotten lost, good old Lucy left x's all along the path so we had no problem finding our way back. 

The kids favorite part was climbing the trees and "adopting" sticks. Penny named her stick "Georgie" and Ben named his "little Timmy." 

The kids are still home schooling- currently the governor is pushing to cancel school for the rest of the year, heaven help me if she does. The oldest 3 get daily assignments posted in Google Classroom but Penny's teacher has just sent some different apps and websites she can do. She is insistent on doing work too because it's "too boring to play by herself" so this week I upped my game a bit and planned some fun activities for her to do (and Lucy joined in when she finished her assignments early). Two of the fun activities they did were making houses for the 3 little pigs and blowing them down with a hair blow dryer and second was making Jack's beanstalk with the giants castle on top. We do have some fun but I am not a homeschooling mom. I am good at scheduling our days and lesson planning but I butt heads with the kids a lot. They often complain about work or get frustrated when an assignment is hard. We really only do an hour of learning in the morning and another hour in the afternoon but sometimes you would think I was just the worst task master ever. The days are so long.  

Since Ben's birthday is on Fast Sunday we decided just to celebrate it Saturday. We had to cancel his pirate party with friends because of the Coronavirus but we were still going to make it fun. We started with a card from a friend, Lucky Charms and opening gifts. He got a sword, and 4 Defy passes (an indoor trampoline park) from us. He got a Pac-Man game and small Minecraft Lego set from Grams and Poppy Hatch. Later that morning we got a phone call from a friend saying to have Ben out at 11am for something. I assumed her family was just going to come by and sing happy birthday to him from their car- instead a whole parade of cars came by- shouting birthday wishes, honking horns, and waving posters. They came around a second time and then sang him "Happy Birthday." This will be a birthday he will never forget- he was grinning the whole time and kept commenting about how nice it was. For memory sake the families in the car parade were- May's, Bloomfield's, Hine's, Jensen's, Wagner's, Barney's, Jacob's family from across the street, and JayJune (his friend from school). 

After the sweet car parade Tyler picked up Subway for the family (Ben's favorite) and then we had his Pirate Party as a family. The kids got tattoos, made pirate hooks and caught glow necklaces with them, pinned an eyepatch on a pirate and painted treasure chests which they hid and used treasure maps to find. 

After our family party I rented "The Pirates! Band of Misfits" from Amazon for the kids to watch. I didn't particularly enjoy it but Ben thought it was awesome. We finished up the day with take out from Chili's and birthday cake. I think despite everything, Ben still was able to have a really amazing 10th Birthday!

Baby Blue/Joy

Tuesday we had the external ultrasound scheduled and I was an anxious, nauseous mess. I know they hadn't given me any hope really but you can't help but have some hope anyways. However,  I had Tyler give me a blessing before we left and I felt my hope shatter. In the blessing he asked for me to have peace during this trial and other things that suggested it wasn't going to be ok. 

I ended up drinking a water bottle and a half in the car on the way over because a full bladder is supposed to help the ultrasound- but obviously that does nothing good for me. I have never had to pee so bad and been so uncomfortable, the whole ultrasound physically hurt and I thought I was going to pee myself. In a way this was a blessing because it distracted some from the fact that no heartbeat was being found and I couldn't see any clear implications of a baby. At the end the ultrasound tech basically just said "no new news" and told us to go meet with the dr. I was angry,  I was upset. I am not proud of how rude I was to her. Thankfully Tyler was there and was kinder. 

We didn't have to wait too long to hear the awful news from the doctor. The ultrasound tech had found a baby, the baby was 7 weeks and 4 days, with no heartbeat and a calcified yolk sac which indicated it had stopped growing (I was currently 10 weeks). Maybe it's silly but I wish that the tech had taken a pic so I could just have something to remember my baby by. It was hard to hear this but I did better with Tyler there this time.  I was also grateful in the sense that there was a baby, it had existed. When she couldn't find the fetal pole I had felt betrayed by my body. Why had I felt so pregnant if the baby hadn't lasted long past conception? At least now I knew I had had 7 weeks with my little one. 

We were presented with the choice of waiting for a natural miscarriage or going to the hospital to do a d and c. The baby had already been holding on for 3 weeks and I wasn't sure I could handle just waiting,  and then the emotional stress of seeing it come,  watching the loss. I was also worried because I had 2 friends who had naturally miscarried but had complications and ended up at the hospital. With the coronavirus going on, I did not want to end up at the ER. So I ended up scheduling a d and c. It's going to cost us as much as having a baby in the hospital would have but I think emotionally it was the better choice. I think I made the better choice for me.

Wednesday night I got a Priesthood blessing from Brother Boomfield and Tyler. Good words about my Savior's love for me and how our Heavenly Father knows the pain of losing a child. That night as I was still struggling emotionally with the reality of the next day, I was reading some general conference talks and I had the impression come to me that we were always meant to have an angel baby. But I felt strongly that it coming now showed God's love for me because it came at a time when literally I am surrounded by friends who have all had miscarriages and have been super understanding and supportive. It also came when I have 4 other children to comfort me. It hurts that I don't get to raise this baby. All the plans and dreams I had for it are lost but I'm trying to have an eternal perspective and that helps. 

I know it's silly but that night I prayed to know if the baby was a boy or girl because I wasn't sure if they'd be able to find out. That night I dreamed the dr told me it was going to be a girl. In the dream we decided to name her Joy because she would've brought us joy on Earth but she'll bring us joy in heaven.  This dream is slightly ironic (if that's the right word) because I had read at 7 weeks the baby was the size of a blueberry and had been telling the kids that we should name this baby Blue, inwardly I named it this because it was making me so blue. Gratefully they took samples at the d and c and will be able to tell us the gender of the baby within a couple weeks. I don't know yet if my dream was accurate and it is a girl but I do think my Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something about my attitude. 

Thursday, March 19th we went to the hospital for the d and c. My good friend Melissa took our kids for the day (despite social distancing, bless her). It was a different experience with the coronavirus- they screen you before letting you in and only allow one visitor. When we got up to the surgery floor they made Tyler stay in the waiting room while they took me back. I began to panic, I did not want to do this alone. The nurses were super unfriendly as they prepped me and I was really struggling to keep it together.  Thankfully they eventually let Tyler back and that helped immensely- especially since it was a 2 hour wait. In the wait I got to overhear all sorts of nurse drama and the panic as the nurses found out a patient from earlier that week possibly had the coronavirus. Their panic made me nervous,  plus I was fasting, plus I was already nervous about the procedure and I ended up feeling super nauseous as the time approached. I really felt like throwing up.

Thankfully the surgery nurses were so much friendlier and they drugged me appropriately to help with the nausea. I remember being wheeled back and them stretching out my arms which made me sad because it made me think of my c sections and then I was out. When I woke up it was all over. My baby was gone.  

The rest of the day I spent in bed. Caroline had made us dinner and Corinne made my fav pie. I mostly just has mild cramping until that night when the cramps were super severe and accompanied with super fun diarrhea. I thought I was going to pass out and had chills afterwards but that was the worst of it. Since then just the mild cramps and way less painful loose bowels. 

My emotions are still a rollercoaster. I have points where I'm fine and points where it hits. With the kids all home 24/7 because of the coronavirus quarantine, I find myself giving into my emotions the most when I'm alone in the shower.  Through it all though,  I'm extremely grateful for all the support I've received. A doll and nice note from my parents in the mail; bread,  pie and kind card from Corinne; banana bread, puzzle and kind card from Chalsea; dinner and taking my kids on a hike from Caroline; a hug and watching my kids from Melissa; so so many thoughtful and kind texts. Even in this awful trial,  I feel my Savior's love for me through so many and I know we'll get through. I also know that this baby will forever be ours and I can't wait to learn its gender and give my baby a proper name 💛

Hard Week

Tuesday Penny was off of school while the other 3 were not. Unfortunately for her I was hosting Bunco that night so I was a little distracted. I spent that morning making pudding parfaits- a layer of chocolate pudding, a layer of mint pudding and a layer of whip cream and oreos. It was quite the messy process putting 12 parfaits together and took way longer than I had expected. When I finally finished I took her to the library so as to not completely neglect her. After the library we both enjoyed some quiet time and then she had a dentist appt. No cavities for her either- although the hygienist still spent the whole time yammering about how to better care for her teeth. When we got back from the appointment I spent the rest of the afternoon cooking and preparing for Bunco. I had a St. Patrick's day theme so I had ended up doing chili and baked potatoes. It always lots of work to host but I got a lot of compliments for the food and dessert so that made it all feel worth it. I was bummed to not win any prizes though, since all the prizes I had picked out were things that I wanted, ha ha.

Wednesday I went to the Penner home. I went to visit my young woman about her calling as class president but I had the added bonus of visiting with her mom too. It was a good morning. She had some great ideas on how to better fellowship some of the girls and her mom actually had some good input about some things as well. After the visit I was going to pick up my groceries but they ended up being an hour late. The coronavirus has caused such craziness at stores this week and I am just grateful that eventually my groceries were ready and they still had almost everything.

Wednesday night we had a youth activity about temple marriage. The girls got hangers that are for their future temple dresses, then they wrote down qualities they'd like for their future husbands to have, next us leaders showed them our temple wedding pics and lastly we ended with some fun- making toilet paper wedding dresses. With the coronavirus starting here in the US there have been some Toilet Paper shortages (apparently everyone thinks that having 500 rolls of toilet paper is super important if we're quarantined???) so I'm sure people think we're super wasteful but everyone just brought a roll to donate and ended up being super fun.

Thursday morning I went to the grocery store to get a few things for dinner with the missionaries that night and oh my goodness, it was crazy. It was way busier than usual and everyone had their carts piled with things- mostly toilet paper and water bottles. I kind of regret not picking up a few canned goods or things while I was there because by the time Tyler went Friday night to fill up our 5GL water bottle, things were cleared out. This Coronavirus has really put everyone in a panic. Everything kind of changed Thursday as it was reported there were cases in Michigan. Church services are now cancelled indefinitely and that night they cancelled school for the kids. Penny's cancellation started Friday and will last until April 13th. The rest start Monday and will be closed until April 6th. This is a first in my life. I think caution is good but oh how it is putting a wrench in my life. 

Despite all the crazy going down we still had the missionaries over for dinner that night. They were only supposed to stay until 6 but despite my best efforts they seemed in no rush to leave. It was 6:30 before I finally got them out the door. I had my YW's presidency coming over at 7:30 and I wanted to be able to clean up and have somewhat of a break. I guess our home is just so hard to leave.

It was nice to have what might be my last in person meeting with my YW's presidency for awhile that night. We discussed a lot of things that probably won't be happening with church services and activities being cancelled but it's still nice to feel ready for when church does start back up.

Friday the 13th was not a good day in my life. It started out super cheery with Penny home and the rest at school and I was really excited because *surprise* I had my first pregnancy appt. I dropped Penny off with a friend and headed to the appt. I was 9 weeks along and was really looking forward to some confirmation that everything was good with the pregnancy. And once I got that confirmation I was really looking forward to being able to tell everyone, including the kids. Unfortunately, I did not get confirmation. They did an internal ultrasound and my sac, though measuring 9 weeks big, was empty. In the end all the dr could find was a dot that looked like blood. No fetal pole. Nothing encouraging. The technical term is a blighted ovum. 

I tried to stay calm and did so until she started listing my 3 options 1) D & C 2) Take a pill 3) wait for it to pass. I lost it and was sobbing in front of the dr. I just wanted to go home and cry alone but I wasn't done. They wanted to schedule an external ultrasound to confirm, then they took blood samples to confirm low HCG levels (the lady used the wrong vial and ended up poking me 3 times) and then they had to give me an RH shot because of my A- blood. It took everything not to sob as I walked out the door and to the elevator and when I pressed the button it opened to a whole group of people who had accidentally pressed the wrong floor. By the time it came back there were more people and it was a struggle to remain in control. I lost it in the car and basically spent the rest of the day in my room. Tyler came home and laid with me for awhile. I was grateful to my friend for watching Penny for the rest of the afternoon so I could just be alone. 

The kids came home and Tyler told them the news. They don't quite get it. Penny came in and asked me why my nose was so red. Steven started getting on me that he wants to do a sleepover and can't I text Evan's mom. I had to explain that I don't know when I am going in to get the baby out yet and so I am not making those kinds of plans. Kids are hard to deal with when you're sad. 

Right now I feel betrayed by my body. I still feel tired and hungry and sick and I've gained 6 pounds and yet there's no baby in there. I feel confused and frustrated with God's plan for me. I thought I was supposed to have fifth, I had been trying for a year to get pregnant and for weeks I thought I was but the baby passed long ago. I'm not sure I can do it all again. 

Next week is going to be tough, especially going through losing this baby with all the kids home. Thankfully I have a few good friends that know and have offered help. I know I'll get through this, just wish I didn't have to. Thoughts and prayers are really what I need. And time. Just more time to deal with all these hard feelings. 

Toledo Zoo

I survived playing the piano at the Stake Leadership Meeting last Saturday- my tempo was way off but at least I hit the right notes. I will be happy to never play at a stake function again. I was a ridiculous, sweaty mess.

Sunday was Stake Conference and that's always a welcome break since it means no meetings before or after church. After church the kids found entertainment in the guinea pigs. Ben pushed Pearl around in a stroller and Steven put Mariah in a toy dog carrier. These poor piggies.

Monday I was able to sub for Penny's class. I love subbing for her class- it's so easy and fun to be with her. They had an author visit from Kelsey Fox who is not a known author- I don't think you can find her books at any bookstores- but it was a cute book called "Just Try It Wyatt." I wonder if I could self publish a book and get paid to go visit schools and advertise it- sounds like a good life to me.

Monday around 5:30 I went and watched my friend's baby so she could take her daughter to soccer. I don't think she realizes what an inconvenience that is for me to leave my family around dinnertime, especially after working all day but honestly it is. I would never ask someone with kids of their own to do that for me and I especially wouldn't make them come to me but she is such a germaphobic and scared to take her baby in public (and even around my kids). I am trying to be nice about it since I'm her minister and she hasn't asked for much from me since having the baby but ugh. It doesn't help that her baby is super fussy so it makes time drag. 

Tuesday I subbed for a second grade class in the morning and then that afternoon Steven,Ben and Lucy had a half day and a dentist appointment to go to. The dentist said that none of them have cavities which was a lovely surprise.

Wednesday Steven had his Spring band concert and I failed to take any pictures. We were not super close to the stage and we were all ready to go home afterwards so hence no photo ops. He was real excited about the concert and I was real impressed with how his band performed. I think they were way better than the other middle school band concert I had attended last week. Just saying...

Thursday morning I went in to my dentist to get my tooth fixed. It was all good until he stuck a file in my root because he needed to take an xray and then told me I couldn't bite down or it would lodge into my root. Then they took forever to get the xray and I thought I was going to die trying to keep my mouth open wide. Then he took the xray and decided I needed to go to an endodontist because he said there were 2 roots but he couldn't find the second. That's a new one. So that afternoon I went to an endodontist and they were all perplexed by why I was there. They didn't see another root and left a temporary filling on it and told me to just let things simmer for a month. That whole side of my mouth has been pretty uncomfortable since and I might be calling before that month is over.

Friday I had no plans and plenty of things I should be doing but wanted to procrastinate. I have been in such a lazy mood lately. Tyler ended up coming home at lunch time so we went out to lunch and then he worked from home the rest of the day. It was nice to just hang out. I did accomplish some things like ordering supplies for the guinea pigs, sending out invites to Ben's party but overall it was a real lazy day. 

To make up for my laziness, Friday night I went with my friend Caroline, her son and my son, and 2 of my young women to do baptisms for the dead at the temple. The car ride was crazy loud and my driving skills were not on point but we made it and the kids all had a good experience. Caroline and me even did some confirmations. Afterwards we got our traditional Frosty's, only to find out that they only had Vanilla Frosty's because of a truck strike. So lame. Dropping everyone off was a lot, especially since Steven was super complaining about it all. But I survived and I want to keep up this tradition of taking Steven and some friends to do Baptisms for the Dead every first Friday. It'll be my way of keeping the youth temple focused.

Saturday we decided to have a family day so after a stop at Chick-Fil-A, we went to the Toledo Zoo. We basically visited the half that we didn't see the last time we were there. It was a lot of fun- we got to see a Cassowary (who looked like a cross between an ostrich and turkey), a vulture (who was building a nest), a snowy owl (that looked like Hedwig), the aquarium (the kids got to pet sting rays) and we saw lots of primates. I really love primates- especially the gorilla that was right by the glass and the big hairy orangutan. I think this might have been the better half of the zoo. I also think this zoo will be even more fun when the weather is warm. It has lots of play areas and a splash pad and just lots to see.